I hope my margaritas pass through security.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
