im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
