Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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