he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
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Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
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My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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