this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
