i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
