If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
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Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
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He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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