i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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