i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i drank out of a bidet.
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Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
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Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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