Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
