i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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