im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
