Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
