Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
