I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
