If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
