My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
