I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
