i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
