How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
