she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
