Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
