I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
