hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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