He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
