Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
