if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
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Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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