I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He kissed a someone with a penis
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
