Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
