I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
