She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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