mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
