so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
