i need an iv and a liver transplant
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My feet surprised me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
