Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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