M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My bed smells like the plague
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
