i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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