Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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