I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
