im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
