She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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