She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
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He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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