Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
