I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
worst night to have a conscience
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
