She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
