i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
and you fell through a lawn chair
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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