go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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