I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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