I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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