My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
