Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
