i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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