What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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