if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
